FrieAme AU where Friede's a paediatrician and Amethio's a terminally ill inpatient. Friede's in charge of Amethio's care and keeps telling himself not to get attached but oops Friede gets attached. So does Amethio. Contains main character death, obviously!

Thanks to my good friend for always contributing great ideas! <3

Been thinking about Ame's death scene lately (brain why--)

I do want him to have been at home for the last few days of his life, with Frie by his side. Spi spends time with him, too, but he can only cope with it for short bursts.

Gibe, surprisingly, is at Ame's bedside whenever he can be.
"[Me] Gibe isn't sure if Ame knows he's there. Or if Ame even cares. Perhaps Ame would rather be alone with Frie during his final hours.

But Gibe can't bring himself to leave."
[Me] Frie keeps insisting that Ame isn't in any pain, and Gibe wonders if he's trying to reassure himself of that. Does Frie really have any way of actually knowing if Ame's comfortable?
"[Me] Frie constantly watches the monitors attached to Ame that measure all his vital stats -- they're rapidly dropping. Spi came in earlier to privately say his goodbyes, but he stated he didn't feel comfortable being there beyond that.

Frie told Spi that it's his choice, and there's no right or wrong answer. Gibe felt inclined to agree."
[Me] Truthfully, Gibe himself feels uncomfortable being next to his dying son. He hates that he can't do anything to comfort Ame. And even if he could, well, it wouldn't stop the inevitable.
[Me] But he wasn't there when his wife (ex-wife, Gibe reminds himself) died, so he's determined to be there for Ame
"[Me] Ame seems to be pretty much unconscious as he inches closer to death, but at times, Gibe feels as though Ame's looking over at him. At the very least, he does seem to be aware that there's someone in the room.

Probably Frie."
[Me] (As in, he's aware of Frie's presence)
"[Me] And then, out of nowhere, Ame starts to almost... convulse. He's whimpering and appears to be in a great deal of discomfort, despite Frie's earlier claims

Frie quickly puts his arms around Ame and hugs him close, whispering into his ear. ""It's okay. It's okay. You're fine. I'm here. Your father's here. Don't panic. It's alright..."""
"[Me] Gibe wonders what the point of trying to calm him is. Surely telling Ame that things are okay is an outright lie.

But suddenly, Ame, who seems to have regained some consciousness, glances over at Gibe. He looks... scared. Terrified, perhaps. And sad. And... vulnerable."
"[Me] Gibe knows Ame's seeking reassurance. He's wanting his father to say something to him -- not Frie, but Gibe.

Gibe has no idea what to say. What, exactly, is he supposed to say to his dying son? How is he supposed to provide reassurance in a situation that's so utterly hopeless?"
"[Me] Then Gibe realises that maybe it's not reassurance that Ame wants. Maybe it's... encouragement. Maybe he's looking to his father for approval.

He wants Gibe to tell him that it's okay if he dies. That he can finally let go."
"[Me] Gibe takes a deep breath and nods at his son.

Gibe: You've fought well. You may rest.

Ame opens his mouth, as if to say something, but Gibe shakes his head to stop him.

Gibe: Go."
"[Me] Ame still tries to talk, but only wheezes and coughs come out. At some point, he'd started to cry.

Ame finally turns away from Gibe and buries his face in Frie's chest. Frie's still clinging to him as much as he can without hurting Ame."
"[Me] It feels like forever. But maybe, in reality, it was only several moments. Or a few minutes.

But finally, at long last, Ame draws his final breath. Gibe doesn't realise initially, but the loud ringing of the flatline on Ame's heartbeat monitor forces Gibe back into reality"
"[Me] The only noise in the room are the machines.

Frie gently lays Ame's body down on the bed. Ame's mouth is hanging open and his eye's aren't entirely closed. He's covered in tears. It's unsightly.

Frie wipes his own face on the back of his sleeve. He then delicately closes Ame's eyes.

""Rest well, Amethio.""

All Gibe can do is sit there"
"[Me] He thought he'd feel something. He thought he'd be angry, like he was with his wife. He thought he'd be sad. Frustrated.

But instead, Gibe feels nothing. He's empty.

Even though his son died. Even though it happened right in front of him."
"[Me] Gibe knows he should be crying, like Frie is. He knows he should be an emotional wreck.

And yet... he isn't. He can't.

After so many years of denying his own emotions and shutting them off, he's forgotten how to feel."
[Me] Perhaps that's because whenever Gibe does feel things, he loses himself to those emotions. Those desires. Those bottomless pits of despair.
[Me] Maybe it's a good thing he can't feel anything. Maybe he shouldn't. That way, he can't drown in his sorrow again.
"[Me] Gibe knows Frie needs to take care of his paperwork and detach all the machines and whatnot, so he sees himself out of Ame's room.

It's late at night, but the servants are still awake. Gibe tells Ham that Ame passed away, and Ham, along with Zir and Coni, go to see Ame."
"[Me] Gibe then heads to Spi's room. If Spi's asleep, he'll wake him. Spi would want to know, surely.

Gibe knocks on the door, but there's no answer. Spi's lights are off.

He sighs and enters the room, turning on a light. Spi's cat, Blacky (a fluffy black cat) is asleep up next to Spi. She looks up at Gibe, confused"
"[Me] Gibe: Spinel.
Spi: ...
Gibe: Wake up.

Gibe hangs back, but he's close enough to where Spi would be able to hear him.

After getting no response, Gibe clears his throat, which startles Blacky.

Gibe: Spinel

He's louder this time"
"[Me] Spi finally stirs. He rolls over to face Gibe and slowly opens his eyes, just as confused as Blacky is.

And then Spi realises who, exactly, is in his room.

Spi: ...Father?
Gibe: Yes.
Spi: Huh? Why are you...?
Spi: Oh. Is Amethio...?
Gibe: Yes.
Spi: O...Oh."
"[Me] Spi sits up and yawns. Blacky, annoyed that he's moving around, jumps off the bed and goes back to her own cat bed in the corner.

Spi: When did he...?
Gibe: Not that long ago
Spi: Right... Um... Can I...?
Gibe: Yes. You may."
"[Me] Spi gets out of bed, puts on his dressing gown, and shuffles off down the hallway. Gibe follows, closing Spi's door behind him.

But Gibe... doesn't want to go back to Ame's room. He doesn't want to be in there again."
"[Me] So, instead, Gibe returns to his own room. He sits on the end of his bed, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

Gibe: What am I... supposed to do here? What am I supposed to be feeling?
Gibe: If this is some kind of punishment, why am I not being punished directly? Why does my family have to suffer instead?"
"[Me] Gibe: Why am I so...
Gibe: Why..."
"[Me] Gibe sits there for ages until, eventually, he decides he should probably get some sleep. So he reluctantly gets into bed.

Maybe when he wakes up, Ame will still be alive and healthy. His wife will still be his wife. All of this will have just been a nightmare."
"[Me] But when Gibe wakes up the next day, the first person he sees is Frie.

And he has to accept that he's lost both his wife and, now too, his son"
[Me] I just want Ame to look to his dad in his final moments for permission to die... As if he's still scared that Gibe's going to be mad at him that he's giving up...
[Redacted] Oh..... the idea that Ame looks at his dad for permission and in a rare moment of understanding, Gibe finally knows what his son wants and needs to hear in this moment and he is willing to give that to him...
"[Me] Yep : )

Gibe doesn't always know what Ame wants or needs but he can tell that Ame's asking him if it's okay to go.

Even someone like Gibe would be horrified by the thought that Ame wanted permission for something like that. Just what kind of person had Gibe made himself into, if his son was too scared to die without approval?"
"[Me] Gibe had neglected Ame his whole life, and he realised that. So why was Ame still wanting Gibe's approval? Why was Ame looking to him in his final moments?

Gibe can't understand why Ame felt that way, all he knows is that Ame did. And he hopes Ame understood what Gibe said to him"
"[Redacted] Gibe can ponder about that for the rest of his life...

Think about the kind of person he turned himself into that Ame was scared of letting go without getting his approval first."
[Redacted] (Ame felt he wasn't worthy of his emotions...)
[Me] When he reads Ame's letter some of it makes more sense to him (and in turn it makes him feel even worse)
[Redacted] Ame felt like he ruined his family and felt sorry for everything and never felt good enough to get love from anyone : )
[Me] Gibe has to live with that for the rest of his life (Spi will make him regret being a shit dad even more too)
[Redacted] Yeah I feel really sorry for Spi tbh
[Redacted] Stuck with a neglectful dad as the only family left and also feeling guilty for never really looking at Ame before he was hospitalized
"[Me] I think Spi wouldn't want to invade Ame's privacy and he just feels uncomfortable being around a dying Ame in general not knowing how sentient he is, but he does see Ame one last time once he's died and Spi just...

Realises how small and frail and fragile his brother was. That he had to deal with so, so much, both physically and emotionally"
"[Me] And it hits Spi that it's because of Gibe that he ended up so alone and isolated. That Gibe's the reason why the brothers didn't have a close bond.

Sure, maybe they might not have ever been best friends, but if Spi had been closer to Ame, and Ame had someone to rely on, maybe... Maybe he wouldn't have been so alone"
"[Me] Maybe Ame wouldn't have blamed himself if Spi had been there for him.

But regardless, Spi realises that it's all Gibe's fault. Not Ame's illness or death, but everything else.

It's all... because Gibe is a spineless coward and an uncaring bastard"
[Redacted] Yeah Spi would have so many regrets. It makes me sad.
[Redacted] He wonders if Gibe even feels something... he never saw his father cry.
[Me] Yep. It's not Spi's fault, and he knows that, but he still regrets not being kinder to Ame...
[Me] And yes! Spi would question if Gibe even feels emotions. Or if he's a robot.
"[Me] Though maybe... Spi did see Gibe almost cry after their mother died? But he wasn't quite sure what he was witnessing so Spi doesn't know if Gibe was actually crying or just being upset

So Spi knows Gibe is capable of emotions, which is why he gets so mad that Gibe won't show any for Ame? Perhaps?"
[Redacted] Yeah! Especially if Ame eventually confided in Spi and told him he felt he wasn't worthy of dad's emotions. If Gibe doesn't show much, Spi would think it validates what Ame said.
[Redacted] He wonders what Ame did for Gibe to be like that towards him, in life and even in death.
[Me] Spi feeling guilty because Gibe never treated him that badly...
[Redacted] Yeah. He wonders if Gibe really hated Ame for the whole affair stuff.
[Redacted] He doesn't exactly want to ask...
"[Me] Which doesn't make sense to Spi because Spi was the one that told Hamber, not Ame. Ame told Spi and Spi made the choice to tell an adult.

I think Gibe would know it was Spi who spoke up about it, but to him at the time, Ame's still responsible (he's not, but y'know)"
[Redacted] Gibe needs to get over himself! It's not Ame's fault!
[Me] It's not Spi's fault either... (It's all Gibe's fault)
[Redacted] Man it breaks my heart though. Ame was deprived of love... and for what. As punishment for fucking up?
[Me] I don't know if Gibe necessarily would fully know why he continued to neglect Ame... I feel like he might not have been aware just how standoffish he was being, somehow? Especially during Ame's teen years and well after Ame's mother had died
"[Me] Gibe was never a loving dad to begin with but even he didn't quite mean for things to go as downhill as they did, probably...

And Gibe does, of course, end up realising that he'd been putting too much blame on Ame, but it was more that he was taking his frustrations towards his own failures out on his son than actually thinking Ame was responsible"
[Me] I think Ame would've internalised a lot of the blame himself regardless though
[Redacted] Yeah no matter his intentions he fucked up and Ame would probably think until the end that his dad always thought of him as a pain and probably preferred Spi over him.
"[Me] Exactly. And the thing was, for a long time, Gibe did feel that way. Ame was a burden to him, especially since Gibe never really wanted another child to begin with, and Ame wasn't as smart or whatever as Spi.

Such things shouldn't matter, but perhaps subconsciously, Gibe was disappointed in Ame..."
[Me] But Gibe would spend the rest of his life regretting ever feeling that way after Ame dies and he realises just how badly he hurt the boy
[Redacted] Yes. He'll replay all of their interactions he can remember in his mind. All the ways Ame reacted to him in the hospital. He'll try to put himself in Ame's shoes...
"[Me] So I've said before that I want to include a scene where Ame's parents are arguing and Gibe's getting mad at Mother, so Ame goes in to try and protect Mother, but

Maybe Gibe, like, physically hurts Ame then. By kicking him away or something.

Perhaps Gibe says directly then that he wishes Ame was never born"
"[Me] Gibe: All you EVER do is get in the way! You don't know how to be useful, do you?! This is all YOUR fault! You only cause problems!
Gibe: Things would be a lot better if you never existed. You should never have been born in the first place.
Gibe: There's no reason for you to exist. Remember that. You're worthless. You'll never amount to anything."
"[Me] At that point Gibe's interrupted by Mother, who begs him to stop being so horrible to Ame, so Gibe goes back to yelling at her

Little Ame picks himself up and slowly leaves the room, crying. He's always known his father disliked him, but to hear it directly...

He can't do anything. He's useless. He can't even protect Mother..."
"[Me] I'm thinking that's when he runs away and meets Frie at the park and Frie takes Ame back to his apartment for the night, and maybe it's Frie who gives Ame enough encouragement to make Ame determined to become a son that Gibe can be proud of.

Though Ame's the one who comes up with the notion that he wants to actually make Gibe jealous of him etc"
"[Redacted] Plus I feel like Ame being as young as he is, perhaps he didn't understand all the words Gibe used but he does understand by the context that Gibe really hates him bc he is angry.

He'll remember the feeling of being called worthless."
[Me] Yeah, definitely! He knows Gibe is mad at him and disappointed and doesn't want Ame around, but it's not until he's older that he understands what Gibe meant by "you shouldn't exist"
[Me] I think Gibe would've forgotten completely about what he said to Ame during that argument. Even if Ame repeated the lines back him, Gibe wouldn't remember.
[Redacted] It's sad. Ame figures that him being sick and dying slowly is Gibe's way of getting what he wants. He told him he shouldn't exist after all.
"[Me] He'd definitely feel that way... I imagine Ame would say as much in his letter to Gibe.

""Aren't you glad I'm finally dead? This is what you've wanted for the past 16 years, isn't it? For me to not exist? Because I shouldn't exist in the first place. I guess you win, Father. You were right. I'm useless. All I ever did was cause problems"
"[Me] ""You don't have to put up with me anymore. You don't have to pretend that you care. I know you don't. You never have. Not once. You've only seen me as a burden. A nuisance.""

And then Ame would tell Gibe about him wanting to become a son that Gibe would be proud & jealous of and that Ame wished so desperately that he could have his own family and show them"
[Me] what being a loving husband/father should be like
"[Redacted] Maybe it would hurt Gibe in a very specific way that Ame genuinely thought that about him..

Spi too. If Ame told him what Gibe said years ago."
[Me] Oh I like that idea... Ame telling Spi what Gibe said to him and Spi being horrified that Gibe would do that...
[Redacted] Perhaps in a rare moment of weakness, he would. Because it might weigh on his mind and he needs to talk about it to maybe... get reassurance or get it out of the way...?
[Me] I think it would come up in discussion when they're talking about how Ame told Spi about the affair, and that leads into Ame admitting his fears and resentments towards Gibe, and how Gibe said those hurtful things to him so Ame spent his whole life blaming himself for everything etc
"[Me] Spi had... no idea. That's how little attention he ever paid to Ame. He knew Ame wasn't fond of Gibe, but he didn't know why.

It makes Spi feel horrible for speaking to an adult about the affair. If he'd kept his mouth shut, Gibe would never have gotten mad at Ame..."
[Me] But Ame doesn't want Spi to feel guilty. He doesn't blame Spi. He blames himself... and Gibe
[Redacted] Yeah! At least, Spi knows now... and he would consider his dad differently after knowing that he said those things to Ame when he was a kid.
[Me] It's part of why Spi decides to call him out at the funeral lol, he's realised Gibe's full of shit and is just being a coward
[Redacted] Good for him!
[Redacted] It's a sad situation though. Ame and Spi didn't deserve that.
[Me] Not at all and that's why it's so fun to write