whatever happened between them, it hurts more than getting rejected.

because... how do you move on sa isang bagay na hindi naman talaga nagsimula?

notes:

• heads up. this is a work of fiction. the characters here aren’t meant to represent real people.
• this work explores gray themes, so reader discretion is adviced.
• any clips or image used aren’t mine. full credit goes to their respective owners.

content warning:
angst, sexual experimentation, implied homophobia, throat fucking, gagging, friends (sunoo/sunwoo), being wanted physically but not emotionally

---

sunoo

i read a question somewhere on the internet one random night habang nakahilata lang ako sa kama, walang ginagawa kundi mag-scroll nang mag-scroll para takasan ang sariling isip.

it was one of those posts na akala mo corny sa una, pero kapag nabasa mo nang buo, biglang tatama sayo nang hindi mo inaasahan.

it said, “hanggang saan mo kayang mahalin ang taong mahal mo sa gitna ng walang kasiguraduhan?”

and grabe.

para akong sinuntok sa mukha.

hindi ‘yung suntok na masakit physically ha.

mas malala pa nga e.

‘yung tipong bigla kang matatahimik pagkatapos. mapapatitig ka na lang sa kisame habang paulit-ulit mo siyang iniisip kasi putang ina, bakit parang tungkol siya sayo?

siguro dahil i’ve been living my whole life trying to deceive myself from who i really am.

wala e. takot ako.

i am scared of how people will look at me once i reveal the truth about myself.

kasi madaling sabihin na “maging totoo ka lang” when people don’t have to deal with the consequences after.

madaling sabihin na “just be yourself” when being yourself doesn’t immediately put you in a position where people can judge, mock, avoid, or suddenly treat you differently.

it’s never easy to fly when people’s eyes are already waiting for you to fall.

in short, mahirap maging totoo.

and the easiest way to survive? siyempre, magkunwari.

so i did.

i became the version of myself that people liked.

yung madaling tanggapin.

i laughed at the right jokes, reacted the way i was expected to react, even lied through my teeth sometimes just to protect the image i created.

nakakapagod pala.

because imagine waking up every day only to perform. para kang actor na walang choice kundi galingan kasi once na pumalya ka, people might finally see what’s underneath.

and the worst part? nasanay ako.

simply,

no one knew who i really was.

all this time, ako lang ang nakakaalam sa sarili ko. ako lang ang tunay na nakakakilala.

and honestly? that thought used to comfort me.

parang okay lang. at least safe. at least walang makakahusga. walang mawawala kasi wala namang may alam in the first place.

pero habang tumatagal, doon ko narealize na ang lungkot pala no’n.

because what do you mean people actually have someone who memorizes things about them? not just the obvious details ha. i mean the little things.

yung favorite nilang flavor kahit hindi nila sabihin.

yung specific look on their face kapag pagod sila.

yung habits nilang hindi nila namamalayan.

people actually have someone who listens to them that carefully? someone who knows them beyond what they choose to show?

i want that.

god, i want that so badly.

ang kaso, kanino naman?

e, bakla ako.

and no matter how many times i try to act unaffected by that fact, it always comes back to me. kasi hindi naman mahirap tanggapin sarili ko e. honestly, matagal ko nang alam kung sino ako. the hard part is knowing that other people might not accept it the same way i eventually did.

especially him.

my boy best friend.

i don’t even have the guts to tell him.

i would.

tangina, i really would if i could.

there were so many moments where i almost did. ‘yung tipong nakatingin lang ako sa kanya habang nagsasalita siya tapos gusto ko na lang biglang umamin.

not because i expected him to love me back.

i’m not that stupid.

i just wanted him to know me.

for once, gusto ko lang maranasan na may nakakakilala sakin nang buo.

but i couldn’t.

bukod sa fact na straight siya, he’s also...

somewhat homophobic.

and trust me, mas masakit marinig ‘yon kapag galing sa taong mahal mo.

paano ko nalaman? simple lang naman.

basta may usapang bakla, he would react right away. minsan pa nga parang automatic na. buti sana kung harmless lang e, kaso hindi. laging may halong disgust. laging may comments na parang kasalanan maging ganon.

“kadiri.” o kaya naman, “di ko talaga gets mga ‘yan.”

and every single time he said those things, i laughed.

puta.

nakakatawa ba? hindi.

pero anong gagawin ko? aamin ako? sisirain ko lahat?

kaya tatawa na lang ako kasama niya kahit pakiramdam ko ako mismo ‘yung pinagtatawanan.

ang sakit no’n.

sobra.

because imagine loving someone while constantly hearing them hate people like you. hindi naman niya alam e. he says those things casually while i sit there quietly trying not to break apart in front of him.

and the worst part? kahit ganon siya, mahal ko pa rin.

tanga, diba?

i hated the way he acted whenever it came to people like me, but i loved him too much to pull myself away from him.

oo, talaga.

lason yang pag-ibig na ‘yan.

unti-unti ka nang nilulunod, pero ikaw mismo ‘tong kapit nang kapit.

nasasaktan ka na nga, pero pinipilit mo pa rin.

at kahit wasak ka na sa dulo, ipipilit mo pa rin.

because you love.

and not everyone who loves can easily let go.

especially when the person you love became part of your everyday life without you noticing.

siya yung una kong hinahanap kapag may funny akong nakita.

siya yung gusto kong kwentuhan kapag may nangyari sa araw ko.

siya yung automatic kong naiisip kapag may bagay na “uy, magugustuhan niya ‘to.”

and tang ina, ang unfair no?

because while he was unknowingly becoming a huge part of my life, i was probably just another ordinary friend to him.

pero kahit gano’n, nandito pa rin ako.

still loving.

staying.

hoping for something i know i probably can’t have.

kasi ako? hirap na hirap.

and i know i will do things unbeknownst even to my own extent.

basta para sa kanya.



little did he know, kahit anong mangyari, pupunta talaga ako.

kahit pa sabihin niyang joke lang pala.

kahit pa bigla siyang umatras.

kahit pa ako lang magmukhang desperado sa huli.

i would still go.

and honestly? ewan ko ba.

i was feeling a lot of things after reading his message. para akong ewan na ilang beses binasa ‘yon kahit wala namang hidden meaning. tipong bawat salita parang hinihimay ko pa as if there was something more beneath it.

pero wala naman talaga, diba?

hindi ko alam kung masyado lang akong delusional for reacting this way, or if i’m trying to think beyond the obvious truth that he probably just wanted to bond with me.

siyempre, it’s the latter.

malamang.

tanga lang ako minsan.

pero bakit naman gano’n?

we literally see each other almost every day sa school. halos magsawa na nga kami sa mukha ng isa’t isa. sabay kumain minsan, magkatabi kapag vacant, magkausap hanggang uwian, tapos minsan magchachat pa pagdating sa bahay na parang hindi pa enough ‘yung buong araw na magkasama kami.

isn’t that enough?

so bakit ako kinikilig sa simpleng aya niya?

bakit parang may kung anong mainit na feeling sa dibdib ko the moment i saw his message? bakit parang gusto kong ngumiti mag-isa na nakakahiya kapag may nakakita?

ewan.

basta ang alam ko, i shouldn’t be happy.

hindi dapat.

may girlfriend ‘yung tao.

girlfriend.

ang bigat pala pakinggan ng word na ‘yon kapag gusto mo ‘yung tao no? parang kada banggit, may paalala agad kung hanggang saan ka lang dapat.

i’m just a friend.

and certainly does not stand a chance.

yeah.

itatatak ko sa utak ko ‘yan.

i have been doing it for years anyway.

years of forcing myself to stay in place. years of silently accepting what i can and cannot be in his life. years of pretending i’m okay hearing him talk about girls, about crushes, about relationships, habang ako tahimik lang na nakikinig na parang walang tumutusok sa dibdib ko kada salita.

sanay na ako.

or at least i thought i was.

pero minsan talaga may mga pagkakataong mahina ka e.

like this.

isang message lang from him and suddenly i’m staring at my ceiling smiling like an idiot.

tangina naman.

i hate how easy it is for him to affect me without even trying.

samantalang ako? ilang taon ko nang pilit kinokontrol sarili ko.

i keep reminding myself of my place.

kaibigan lang.

pero minsan kasi ang hirap paniwalaan no’n kapag siya mismo ‘yung lumalapit sayo.

especially when he says things that sound too soft to be harmless.

when he looks at you a little too long.

when he remembers things about you that even you forget sometimes.

and maybe those things mean nothing to him.

maybe that’s just how he is.

but to someone like me? someone deprived of being loved the way he loves so naturally? tangina, it feels like everything.

kaya minsan hindi ko rin masisi sarili ko kung umaasa ako nang kaunti.

kahit alam kong wala akong karapatan.

because when you spend years loving someone quietly, you start surviving through little things.

through random invitations that probably mean nothing to them but everything to you.

and maybe that’s pathetic.

maybe i am pathetic.

pero wala e.

mahal ko eh.

---

“weird mo.” halos pataray kong saad kay sunwoo na ngayon ay katabi ko sa kama niya.

he was resting comfortably, one arm tucked under his head habang nakaunan sa sariling braso. because of that, mas lalong nagf-flex biceps niya sa suot niyang black sando na halos dumikit na sa katawan niya. paired with loose grey pants na mukhang isang maling galaw na lang at tuluyan nang babagsak sa bewang niya.

ba naman.

garter na lang halos ng boxers niya nakikita ko.

teka nga.

bakit ba ako nakatingin doon?

i should be more worried about the way he’s been acting ever since dumating ako rito.

because the unusual welcomed me.

he was all smiley and shit. hindi naman siya gano’n usually. most of the time, he would act grumpy in a playful way. tipong parang galit pero hindi naman talaga. but today? tangina, parang ibang tao.

and he’s so damn attentive.

lagi siyang nagtatanong. as in!

“kumain ka na?”

“okay ka lang ba?”

“na pagod ka?”

“inom ka muna ng tubig.”

parang tatay amputa.

i don’t know what the hell happened to him today, but this is new.

ibang best friend ko ‘to.

“weird? bakit naman?” ngiti niyang sagot habang unti-unting inaalis ang tingin sa television niya para ilipat sa akin.

gago.

ang pogi niya.

especially like this. relaxed and careless while comfortable around me.

parang kasalanan tuloy siyang titigan.

“b-basta.” nauutal kong sagot.

puta naman kasi, hanggang ngayon nakatitig pa rin siya sakin. hindi ‘yung normal na tingin lang ha. talagang tingin. kaya agad akong umiwas at pilit naghanap ng ibang mapagfo-focus-an.

“ano bang gagawin natin ngayon? manonood?” singit ko habang nakatingin kunwari sa tv niya.

“kahit ano.” sagot niya agad.

then he smirked.

“ano bang gusto mong gawin natin, sun?”

my breath hitched.

there was something wrong with the way he said that.

too soft.

slow.

and too fucking flirty.

i’ve known this guy for years. kabisado ko tono niya. kabisado ko kung kailan siya seryoso, kailan siya nang-aasar, kailan siya walang pake.

pero ito? hindi ko alam kung anong klaseng sunwoo ‘to.

that’s why when i looked back at him, halos mawalan ako ng hininga.

he was biting his lip while staring directly at me.

his eyes slowly trailed down his own body. from his chest, lower, hanggang sa napunta sa nakaumbok niyang crotch.

what.

the.

fuck.

my eyes widened for a second before i quickly looked away.

is he testing me?

or worse, does he know?

kaya agad kong inilayo tingin ko sa kanya. i didn’t want to seem interested. not only because i don’t trust whatever game he’s playing right now, but because he has a girlfriend.

girlfriend.

i kept repeating that word in my head like it would save me from whatever the hell this tension was.

“namumula ka yata.” natatawa niyang puna. “naiinitan ka ba?”

his voice sounded almost concerned.

almost.

before i could even answer, he leaned closer and casually brushed his hand against my neck to wipe the sweat there.

that simple touch alone sent literal shivers down my spine.

fuck.

“h-hindi naman!” gulat kong saad habang mabilis na umusog palayo nang kaunti.

i am not doing this.

i am absolutely not doing this.

“talaga?” he hummed.

then he smirked again.

“sayang.”

napakunot noo ko habang napatingin ulit sa kanya.

“huh?”

he stared at me for a few seconds before slowly licking his lips.

“ako kasi…” mahina niyang saad.

“kanina pa init na init.”

the way he said it was clear.

walang halong biro at hiya.

and tangina, i could almost feel the cold air from the ac against my burning skin because of how intense he was looking at me.

he looked at me like i was someone he wanted beneath him.

like i was some girl he could fuck senseless.

and yeah.

this bastard was definitely horny.

halata naman.

his bulge kept twitching beneath his pants as if sinasadya niyang ipakita sa’kin.

“ikaw kasi.” he continued softly.

his eyes remained locked with mine habang dahan-dahan niyang kinakagat ulit labi niya.

gago.

“sunw...” i was about to confront him, ask him what the hell was wrong with him today, but he already knew me too well.

kaya ayan.

inunahan na naman niya ako.

“sun.” mahina niyang tawag habang gumagalaw papalapit sakin.

before i could even react, nasa tabi ko na ulit siya. close.

hinawi pa niya ‘yung ilang hibla ng buhok na nakaharang sa mukha ko before gently cupping my cheek with his hand. warm. tangina, sobrang init.

but comforting too.

or at least that’s what i thought at first.

because the way he was looking at me right now? parang may kung anong nag-iiba sa hangin sa pagitan naming dalawa.

“nasabi ko na ba sayo?” malambing niyang sambit.

god.

i could literally smell the mint from his breath dahil sa sobrang lapit namin.

my mind went completely blank.

i didn’t know what to say, so i just stared at him in confusion. trying to read him. trying to understand kung anong laro ba ‘tong ginagawa niya.

and then he smiled.

that stupid, handsome smile.

“na ang ganda mo para maging lalaki.”

my heart stopped.

fuck.

before i could even process what he just said, mas lalo pa siyang lumapit.

instinct agad kumilos sakin.

tinulak ko siya.

hard.

“aray, tangina.” agad niyang mura nang mapabalik siya sa pwesto niya kanina.

napalakas yata tulak ko kasi tumama pa siya sa wall behind him with a dull thump.

and guilt immediately washed over me.

shit.

“ayos ka lang ba?” halos natataranta kong tanong habang mabilis na lumapit para tingnan siya.

kaso, hindi ko dapat ginawa ‘yon.

because the moment i leaned close, his expression changed.

there it was again.

that look.

that dangerous fucking look.

“sunwo...” tatawagin ko pa lang sana siya nang bigla niyang hinawakan bewang ko.

and then everything happened too fast.

one second i was checking on him, the next second he already switched our positions.

napahiga ako sa kama niya habang siya naman nasa ibabaw ko na.

pinned beneath his sheets.

pinned beneath him.

“sakit mo naman, ganda.” natatawa niyang saad habang nakatingin pababa sakin.

and tangina.

he looked so good like this.

his hair slightly messy, lips swollen kakakagat niya, eyes low while staring at me like i was something he wanted to ruin.

my chest was rising too fast.

“t-tumabi ka nga.” mahina kong reklamo kahit wala namang lakas boses ko.

because honestly? i didn’t know if i was scared, nervous, or completely losing my mind.

sunwoo only grinned.

“bakit?” tanong niya softly.

then he leaned lower.

close enough for me to feel his breath again.

“ikaw naman lumapit sakin.”

gago talaga.

“umamin ka nga sakin.” seryoso niyang saad.

his voice dropped lower this time. wala na yung pabirong tono niya kanina. wala na rin yung ngisi.

just him staring straight into me.

“bakla ka ba?” habol pa niya.

and tangina.

parang biglang humigpit dibdib ko.

out of all the things he could ask, bakit ‘yon pa? bakit ngayon pa? bakit habang nasa ilalim niya ako at halos hindi na makapag-isip nang maayos?

mas lalo ko tuloy hindi nasagot.

nor did i even have the strength to.

kaya umiwas na lang ako ng tingin at pilit gumalaw sa ilalim niya para makawala.

“pakawalan mo nga ako.” bulalas ko.

mahina.

patay.

hindi ko man lang magawang tumingin diretso sa kanya.

pero imbes na sumagot?

hinalikan niya ako.

and everything inside me stopped.

his lips crashed against mine so suddenly and so deeply that i completely forgot how to move.

fuck.

he kissed like he knew exactly what he was doing.

like he had done this before.

as if he knew what kind of pressure would make my mind go blank.

his tongue slowly glided past my lips and into my mouth, moving inside me like he belonged there.

parang hindi siya bisita.

parang tahanan niya ako.

and tangina, the way he sucked on my lips almost made my body melt beneath him.

it was all so new to me.

too new.

i didn’t know how to respond properly. hindi ko alam saan ilalagay kamay ko, paano hihinga, paano sasabay.

all i knew was that my brain had completely shut down.

sunwoo tasted warm.

and the more he kissed me, the more i felt myself losing whatever control i had left.

nung hinahabol ko na hangin ko, saka lang siya tuluyang lumayo.

a string of breath escaped me habang tulala lang akong nakatingin sa kanya.

then he smiled.

that stupid fucking smile again.

“pag tinatanong ka kasi, sumagot.” bulong niya habang hinihingal pa rin ako.

then he chuckled softly.

“tangina. alam mo naman na ayaw ko sa mga pabebe.”

“ikaw kasi...” mahina kong reklamo kahit wala na talaga akong maayos na masabi.

but he only looked amused.

seeing me this flustered.

watching me fall apart beneath him.

and before i could even recover, he leaned down again.

then kissed me harder this time.

hindi ko na matansya kung ilang oras kaming naghalikan.

or maybe minutes lang talaga ‘yon at lutang na lutang na utak ko kaya parang ang tagal.

basta ang alam ko, it was long enough to have me completely clinging onto him.

my fingers were gripping his sando habang siya naman halos hindi na umaalis sa ibabaw ko. every kiss felt messy, addicting. tipong kada lalayo siya nang kaunti, ako naman ‘tong kusang humahabol without even realizing it.

nakakahiya.

pero tangina, paano ba kasi ako makakapag-isip nang maayos kung ganito siya humalik?

“sarap mo.” mahina niyang saad sa pagitan ng mga halik namin.

that alone almost made my heart burst out of my chest.

because no one has ever looked at me this way before.

no one has ever wanted me this openly before.

and maybe that’s why i was slowly falling deeper into whatever this was.

because for the first time, i felt wanted.

sunwoo slowly pulled away pagkatapos no’n.

his lips remained close to mine habang nakatitig siya diretso sakin. and tangina, i hated how hopeful i suddenly felt.

kinakabahan ako.

because maybe i was assuming too much, but after everything that just happened? after the way he kissed me? after the way he touched me like i was something precious and desirable all at once?

i thought maybe...

just maybe...

i finally stood a chance.

so i waited.

i waited for something soft to come out of his mouth.

genuine.

something that would finally explain why he was acting like this.

but then he smiled.

that teasing smile again.

before slowly brushing his nose against mine.

“subo mo naman ako.”

and just like that, parang binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig.

my breath hitched.

the way he said it sounded filthy. and overly confident.

as if he already expected me to say yes.

siyempre... oo.

but in a pakipot way.

tangina naman, hindi ko naman pwedeng ipahalata agad kung gaano ako ka-down bad para sa kanya. konting hiya naman sa sarili ko.

“gago ka ba?” natatawa pero kabado kong saad habang pilit siyang tinutulak palayo nang kaunti. “may girlfriend ka, sunwoo. hindi ko alam kung anong meron sayo ngayon at bakit mo ‘to ginagawa, pero tigilan mo nga ako. hindi ka na nakakatawa.”

i tried to sound serious.

i really did.

pero mahirap magmukhang galit kapag hinihingal ka pa rin sa kakahalikan niyo.

and this bastard knew that.

kasi imbes na makinig? tinawanan lang ako ng gago.

literal na tumawa pa siya habang nakatingin sakin na parang aliw na aliw.

then he smirked.

that stupid fucking smirk that always makes my stomach twist.

“ano naman?” casual niyang sagot.

then he slowly rolled his hips against me.

fuck.

“girlfriend ko lang ‘yon.” dagdag pa niya habang marahang hinihagod ‘yung tigas niya sa tiyan ko. “ikaw best friend ko.”

my breath hitched immediately.

tangina.

ramdam na ramdam ko kung paano niya idiin sarili niya sakin. as if he wanted me fully aware of what he was doing to me.

and maybe it was wrong.

god, it was definitely wrong.

pero nakakabaliw.

nakakalasing.

“dali na.” he murmured softly near my ear. “kanina pa masakit ‘tong pantog ko.”

he chuckled after that.

“ikaw kasi e. pinapatigas mo.”

once again, i was left completely dumbfounded.

because what the hell was i even supposed to say to that?

my mind kept screaming at me that this was bad. that i should stop this before things got worse. before i got worse.

pero kasalanan ko rin naman.

because despite everything, i still couldn’t push him away.

not when he was looking at me like this.

when he was touching me like this.

or... when this was the closest i’ve ever gotten to being wanted by him.

“pagbigyan mo naman kaibigan mo.” he whispered teasingly.

then he leaned closer again.

close enough for his lips to brush lightly against mine.

“mahal mo naman ako, diba?”

and tangina.

that was the problem.

i did.

too much, actually.

i could only answer him with a small nod.

and tangina, that was enough to make him smile.

not just smile actually.

he looked pleased.

like he already knew i’d eventually give in to him.

“yan gusto ko sayo.” natatawa niyang saad before adjusting himself in front of me.

then he gently pushed my shoulder back against the mattress.

“higa ka lang diyan. ako na bahala.” dagdag pa niya.

honestly, hindi ko na rin inisip kung anong trip niya.

my brain was already too overwhelmed processing everything that happened tonight. the kisses, the tension, the way he kept touching me like he had every right to.

but at the same time, nalilito rin ako.

because how the hell was i supposed to suck him while lying down like this?

don’t get me wrong, wala naman talaga akong experience pagdating sa ganito. but obviously, i’ve seen enough videos and heard enough stories to know how it usually goes. madalas nakaluhod pa nga.

so anong balak niya?

then i realized.

shit.

my eyes widened the moment sunwoo hurriedly pulled down his pants together with his boxers.

and there he was.

completely hard in front of me.

fuck.

my breath got caught in my throat.

the size alone almost intimidated me.

it wasn’t absurdly long, but it was thick. really thick. especially the head, slightly flushed and already leaking.

damn.

“pogi ba ng burat ko?” natatawa niyang tanong before lightly grabbing my neck.

the gesture should’ve scared me.

instead, it made heat crawl all the way up my spine.

he positioned himself closer until the tip was already hovering right in front of my lips.

then slowly, pinahid niya ‘yung ulo nito sa labi ko.

fuck.

i immediately tasted the salty warmth of his precum.

“shit.” mahina niyang ungol. “sarap ng labi mo, sun.”

he sounded so gone already.

parang ako na lang yata hinihintay niya para tuluyang mawalan ng kontrol.

and tangina, hindi ko maintindihan sarili ko on my end either.

all i could feel was heat.

heat in my face.

heat pooling low in my stomach.

everywhere.

i was slowly getting invested in this whole thing and it terrified me.

because despite knowing this was wrong, despite knowing he had a girlfriend, despite knowing this could completely ruin me after tonight... i still wanted him.

badly.

napaungol pa nga ako nang mahina the moment he rubbed himself against my lips again.

“subo mo?” nakangiti niyang tanong.

he kept smearing his precum against my mouth like it was lip gloss, watching my reaction the entire time.

and honestly?

natakot ako.

considering the size, parang hindi yata kakayanin ng bibig ko.

and fuck, wala nga akong experience.

what if masaktan ko siya? what if magkamali ako? what if mapahiya lang ako?

so for the first time tonight, naging honest ako sa kanya.

i slowly shook my head.

“h-hindi ko kaya...” mahina kong saad habang ramdam na ramdam ko ‘yung init at tigas niya sa bawat buka ng bibig ko.

“di ako marunong.”

“madali lang naman. buka mo lang bibig mo, tapos ako na ang bahala tumira.” he said it so easily, akala mo nagc-confess lang siya ng pagmamahal sa akin.

what else am i supposed to do?

tumanggi?

definitely not when nasa harap ko na mismo burat niya.

that’s why i nodded like a good kitten and licked him as a surprise.

but i was the one who got surprised.

kasi the moment i opened my mouth and felt the tip of his length gamit dila ko, he went straight to the bullseye. my throat.

this was the very moment i learned about my gag reflex.

“f-fu–” i moaned, agad napapikit habang yung burat niya, unti unti nang sinasakop lalamunan ko. putang ina, ramdam ko agad yung bigat niya. he was pacing slowly, parang sinasadya niyang namnamin bawat higop ng bibig ko, pero from his position alone, halatang magtatagal siya rito.

“shit, sarap ng lalamunan mo. ang init. pucha.” ungol niya as he slowly slid his dick deeper into my throat.

napahawak ako agad sa hita niya. tang ina, ano bang choice ko? wala naman. he kept feeding my mouth his cock like he owned it already.

it’s hard to think. especially sa posisyon ko where all i could see was his dick pushing straight into my mouth and the way his upper body tensed every time lumulubog siya sa akin.

“buka mo lang bibig mo nang maayos, baby. tumatama ngipin mo sa alaga ko e.” sabi pa niya habang dahan dahan siyang humuhugot palabas.

grabe, finally, i was able to grasp for air.

“hah… tang ina…” halos pabulong kong reklamo habang humahabol ng hininga.

then he slid it right back in.

“mmph—!”

i could literally feel my eyes watering.

i could see from here kung paano biglang nagsisulputan mga ugat sa katawan niya. especially his hands na ngayon ay mahigpit nang nakakapit sa headboard for support. even his stomach kept twitching every time hinihigop ng lalamunan ko yung haba niya.

“shit. sige lang, buka mo lang.” he moaned habang patuloy niyang kinakantot bibig ko.

i will admit, it was suffocating.

but i loved how it suffocated me.

there was something so fucked up sa pakiramdam na ginagamit niya bibig ko like this.

the wet sounds, messy spits connecting our skin, yung bawat pagbaon niya na halos umabot na yata sa sikmura ko. putang ina.

“sun, tang inang bibig ’yan, parang puke lang a. ang init na nga, ang sikip pa.” bulalas niya as he continued shoving his hardened length sa akin.

of course, as a first timer, his fucks weren’t smooth. there were moments na napapachoke ako nang malala, napapaubo habang pilit niyang binabaon sarili niya.

“relax ka lang, baby. tang ina, higop na higop mo ’ko.”

ang hirap kaya.

it’s no joke how his dick kept entering me.

grabe yung taba at haba niya. hindi ko ma-explain how it fit inside me, but i could thoroughly feel every vein and every inch of hardness dragging through my throat. bawat ugat niya, ramdam ko. bawat kadyot niya, parang may dumidiin talaga sa loob ko. iba talaga.

he fucked me like i was some pussy.

sinunod ko lang siya sa lahat ng gusto niya. i followed how he wanted me to take him. ginawa ko lahat. every time hinihila niya buhok ko para ibaon ako lalo, hinahayaan ko lang. every time he pushed too deep and i ended up gagging around him, i still took it.

he fucked me until he couldn’t hold back anymore.

it was exhausting, yes.

my jaw was already hurting, laway ko halo halo na sa katawan niya, at halos wala na akong matinong hinga.

but i did find it fun… at least.

“tang ina. ayan na, malapit na ako!” his movements became rougher ngayon. mas mabilis. mas madiin. i still couldn’t believe how he had the strength to fuck me like this.

the headboard kept hitting the wall habang paulit ulit niyang binabaon sarili niya sa bibig ko.

“saan mo gusto, baby? sa loob ng lalamunan mo o sa mukha mo?” he asked between moans.

siyempre, i couldn’t answer. tang ina, paano ako sasagot e punong puno bibig ko?

i just looked up at him habang tuloy tuloy lang pagluha ng mata ko.

after all, the decision was his to make.

i just let him do what he wanted and gagged every time he shoved himself deeper inside me.

“ayan na! f-fuck!” he moaned loudly before thrusting deep into my throat.

then i felt it.

yeah, sa loob niya ako tinamuran.

napahigpit pa hawak niya sa buhok ko habang tuloy tuloy siyang nanginginig sa ibabaw ko. i could literally feel how his hot strings coated me from the inside.

buti sana kung onti lang, but it was a lot. aabot yata ng sampung putok kung susumahin.

“fuck… tang ina…” tuloy tuloy ungol niya habang dahan dahan pa ring kumakadyot sa bibig ko, as if gusto niyang siguraduhing mauubos talaga lahat sa loob ng lalamunan ko.

“shit. sarap mo.”

...

noong nahimasmasan na siya, we rested for a bit.

siyempre, before anything else, he made sure i was okay. paulit-ulit pa niya akong tinatanong kung ayos lang ako, kung masakit ba panga ko, kung nahihilo raw ba ako.

then he cuddled me to bed like nothing insane just happened between us.

pero hindi ko pa rin maintindihan.

anong nangyari sa kanya para gawin namin ’yon nang biglaan? oral sex? kami? spontaneous?

“sunwoo...” tawag ko habang nakahiga sa dibdib niya. nakayakap yung isang braso niya sa bewang ko habang yung kamay naman niya, dahan-dahang humahaplos sa tagiliran ko.

“hmm?” mahinang tugon niya.

“bakit?” yun lang ang naitanong ko.

i guess sapat na ’yon.

kasi alam kong gets niya agad ibig kong sabihin.

bakit niya ginawa.

bakit niya ako hinalikan.

bakit niya hinayaang isubo ko siya gayong halos isuka niya dati yung thought ng dalawang lalaking magkasama.

why isn’t he homophobic now?

“bakit hindi?” marahan niyang sagot habang nilalaro mga hibla ng buhok ko.

napakagat ako sa labi.

“you hate gays. tapos...” sambit ko pero agad din akong natigilan.

shit.

hindi nga pala niya alam.

hindi niya alam na bakla ako.

bigla akong kinabahan.

“bakit, bakla ka ba?” singit niya agad.

napamura ako sa isip.

putang ina.

hindi ako makasagot.

parang gusto kong maglaho bigla sa pwesto ko. tumakas. magkunwaring tulog. ewan. hindi ko na rin alam.

kasi bakit parang mas natatakot pa ako sa sasabihin niya kaysa sa ginawa namin kanina?

“uy.” natatawa niyang tawag habang bahagyang hinihigpitan yakap sa akin.

“kinakabahan ka?”

hindi pa rin ako makasagot.

then he sighed softly.

“wala naman akong pake kung bakla ka, sun.” sambit niya.

huminto pa saglit daliri niya sa buhok ko bago muling gumalaw.

“ikaw ’yan e.”

tapos natawa siya nang mahina.

“basta sa akin ka lang bakla, goods tayo diyan.” biro pa niya.

napairap ako kahit ramdam kong umiinit mukha ko.

gago.

pero... hindi ko pa rin maintindihan.

yung girlfriend niya? paano siya? anong nangyari sa kanila?

“p-paano si...” tanong ko pa lang pero agad na siyang sumagot.

“cool off muna kami.” diretsong sabi niya.
ah.

kaya pala.

biglang parang may kung anong lumubog sa tiyan ko.

hindi ko alam kung bakit.

relief ba? guilt? kaba? excitement?

ewan.

basta ang alam ko lang, mas lalo akong nalito.

kasi ibig sabihin, hindi talaga ako dapat maging komportable rito.

this is temporary.

panandalian.

kasi once na maging okay sila ulit...

anong mangyayari sa amin?

wala.

iyon agad yung unang pumasok sa utak ko.

parang binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig habang nakahiga sa tabi niya.

kasi oo nga naman.

cool off lang.

hindi break.

hindi sila tapos.

may babalikan pa rin siya.

at ako?

ano lang ako rito?

isang aksidente?

taong convenient habang wala muna yung totoong gusto niya?

“oh.” yun lang naisagot ko.

napansin yata niya agad pagbabago ng tono ko kasi bahagya siyang gumalaw para yumuko at silipin mukha ko.

“bakit?” tanong niya.

“wala.” mabilis kong sagot.

napangiti siya nang bahagya.

“nagseselos ka ba?”

“ulol.” agad kong balik kahit sobrang hina ng boses ko.

natawa siya.

samantalang ako, parang gusto ko nang umiyak.

kasi bakit ganon?

kanina lang, pakiramdam ko gusto niya ako.

the way he touched me, kissed me, looked at me... putang ina, walang bahid ng pagdududa doon.

para bang ako lang nakikita niya.

pero isang “cool off muna kami” lang, parang biglang bumalik lahat sa realidad.

hindi ako yung pinili.

nandito lang ako kasi wala yung totoong pipiliin niya.

“sun.” tawag niya ulit.

“hm?”

“big deal ba ’yon?”

oo.

sobrang big deal.

pero hindi ko kayang sabihin.

kaya napailing lang ako habang nakatitig sa dibdib niya.

“hindi naman.” pagsisinungaling ko.

narinig ko siyang bumuntong-hininga.

“gulo mo.” natatawa niyang sabi.

oo.

magulo talaga.

hindi naman kami.

hindi niya naman ako gusto.

at lalong hindi siya bakla.

siguro nadala lang.

curious lang.

tigang lang.

pero tang ina naman.

bakit kailangan niya akong yakapin nang ganito pagkatapos?

bakit kailangan niya akong halikan sa noo?

bakit kailangan niya akong alagaan na parang may ibig sabihin lahat?

“sunwoo...” tawag ko ulit.

“bakit?” natatawa niyang sagot.

huminga muna ako nang malalim.

“pag naging okay kayo...”

ramdam kong bahagya siyang tumigas sa pwesto niya.

parang naghihintay.

ako rin.

takot na takot.

“anong mangyayari rito?”

natahimik siya.

at tang ina, mas masakit pala yung katahimikan kaysa sa kahit anong sagot.

hindi ko siya matingnan.

natatakot ako.

kasi baka makita ko sa mukha niya na wala lang talaga ’to.

na hindi niya ako sineseryoso.

na pagkatapos nito, kaya niya na ulit akong tratuhin bilang kaibigan lang.

habang ako, heto na.

lubog na lubog.

“ewan.” mahinang sagot niya.

at doon talaga parang may humigpit sa dibdib ko.

ewan.

kaya napatawa na lang ako nang mahina kahit ramdam kong kumikirot lalamunan ko.

“gets.” sambit ko.

pero obviously, hindi ko gets.

kasi kung wala lang ’to, bakit parang ako yung mawawasak pagkatapos?

samantalang siya, kaya niyang matulog nang mahimbing habang yakap ako.