WC: 1287 || Ships: Screwtiorine, HertaMei || Rating: M

Concept: Look. I want you to look at Screwllum and then look at Stoneheart!Aventurine and tell me that man does not have robot AND monster fucker habits. I also think Herta is way too invested in his sex life because why not? She gets bored a lot.

“Oh good, we are all here!”

“There are only three of us and we were already sitting here.”

“Shush you. Anyway, this session of ‘Tea and Gossip’ shall commence! My adorable wife has lovingly provided dessert and tea for today!” Ruan Mei nods at the words, a shy smile on her face. “Now! Onto today’s main topic—Ratio and his secretive monster and robot fucker habits!”

*“What?!?!*” Ruan Mei blinks at Herta’s words, before nodding.

“I see. That is a very good topic for today, Herta.” He watches as Ruan Mei lifts her tea cup and takes a drink as if she were discussing the weather. “I do believe that this will be a very productive day.”

“No, it *fucking will not be*. We are *not *talking about that!” Herta cackles, leaning forward.

“So you don’t deny it? How interesting…*doctor*.”

“I am denying it! I haven’t a clue about what you are prattling on about. I do *not *have such…*lewd* habits.” The raised eyebrow he gets at his words makes him sharpen his glare at the Genius.

“Lewd, he says. *Lewd, *says the man with a perfect window for tit-fucking! Lewd, says the man who wears a bodysuit instead of a shirt. *Oh*, is it for easy access? Is that why you wear it? I do suppose you are all busy men, the less time spent on stripping off clothes, the better I guess.”

“*Enough!*” He angrily rises to a stand, careful to not hit any of the carefully prepared food. Ruan Mei doesn’t even blink, still drinking her tea.

“More! More! Tell me, tell me, I know Screwy only has one dick because I do deeply enjoy randomly popping into his mansion, but does the Aventurine Stoneheart have one or two? I feel like he would have two. Ruan Mei, what do you think?”

“*We are not talking about that, Herta!” *He thinks he’s going to lose his mind. He turns to walk away—why hadn’t he done so sooner, he doesn’t know—but that doesn’t stop Herta from talking.

“Two! Holy Nous, it’s two! Wait…can you take them all at one time? Ruan Mei, note this down for the next novel. We know Ratio’s a tight ass, so if he can take three—”

“*My personality has nothing to do—*” He is sure his voice is high-pitched, and he physically has to slap a hand over his mouth to stop himself from continuing. *Aeons*, he hates this woman.

“Holy. Ratio…does…are you a *kept *man? Like…do they…you know…keep you op—*fuck!” *He knows his aim is off, but that doesn’t stop him from throwing chalk in The Herta’s direction. She screeches as she dives behind Ruan Mei, poking her head up over her bare shoulder. “Asshole!”

“I am *leaving*. There will be no more questions about this matter. Not *now*, not *ever*. If I find out you asked Screwllum or Aventurine about this, I will personally take every curio you have in this oversized closet and donate it to the Intelligentsia Guild *under your name*. *Do you understand me, Herta*?”

The witch glares at him, sticking out her tongue. “Whatever.”

“Yes or no?” His head hurts from how stressed he is.

“Mayhaps.”

“*Yes or no!*”

“Yes or no, what? Ooo, are you guys playing a game?” Herta’s head snaps toward the door, where the new voice stands. He slowly turns his head to see Aventurine in the doorway, hand in the air, waving. “Hey, babe. Screwllum is being swamped by like thirty puppets and the critters are taking a nap, so I wanted to come find you. So what’s the ‘yes or no’ about that’s got you stressed?”

He’s too slow. *He’s too damn slow*.

“I wanted to know if Ratio could take three dicks from you and Screwy and he won’t tell me.” He watches with dread as Aventurine’s eyes light up. “You see, Ruan Mei and I are part of like an online forum where we post really crappy smut novels. It’s a great way to unwind from being perfect every second of the day. Ratio fits both the monster AND robot fucker prompt we are looking to fill for this event.”

The grin on Aventurine’s lips grows and grows and Veritas feels sweat bead on his brow. He can tell this is about to get a *lot* worse.

“Say, I need a reason to have Diamond bump me up some rungs of a few ladders. How about we make a deal? You see, my new friend, I have *pictures*.”

The screech Herta lets out deafens the wail of agony that he mentally cries.

“Y-You took pictures?”

“YOU TOOK PICTURES?”

Aventurine smirks, waving his phone. Not his normal phone, the one he uses for work, but the sleek black device that Veritas knows holds way too many photos of him (and Screwllum).

“Of course, babe. You work long hours, I work long hours, Screwllum works long hours. I also have the most…energetic of sex drives amongst the three of us, so I have a nice collection of photos. We’ve talked about this.”

Yes, they had. And yes, he was aware of Aventurine’s *large* private album. However, how he took photos in his Stoneheart form…Veritas doesn’t want to know.

But he digresses. From his spot, frozen in place, he watches as The Hertas slowly shuffles forward, hands out in a grabby motion. He knows he cannot stop what is happening, just hopes that Aventurine shows her the least embarrassing photo of him and that’s *all*. He should stop it, but…

As much as he hates to say it, she will find out somehow. If not from Aventurine, it will be from Screwllum or hells, even Screwllita. He doesn’t put it past her to sit through hours of security camera logs to find something she can use, now that she’s found out yet *another* detail about his *private* life. His sex life with his partners is perhaps the largest open secret in their ‘friend’ group because putting a bunch of geniuses in a group chat is bound to lead down some…choice paths of conversation.

So he does the one thing he can do to save his sanity for the moment. It’s a cowardly move, but nevertheless, he takes it.

He turns on his heel and rushes out of the room.

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(He finds out later, much to his relief, that Herta never saw the photos. In fact, he finds out that when Aventurine was going to show her, the photos suddenly disappeared and a small pixel bird flying in circles popped up.

He also finds out later, when Screwllum pulls him close when he stomps into his lab, that even Herta’s office is not safe from the man’s eavesdropping habits.

And that perhaps Herta should question *Screwllum* about his habits over Veritas.

“Affirmation: Truly, you look very lovely like this.” Is whispered low in his ear as he squirms on Screwllum’s lap, trying to escape the man’s hold. “The display you make for us, both here and here, as well as your tears are truly a divine treat. I must say, Kakavasha takes quite a good photo.”

“*S-Screwllum…*”

“I will restore these when we return to the manor. I do not mind him showing most of the photos he has taken, but I find that the ones of you crying…I do not like to share. I do feel slightly bad for ruining Kakavasha’s deal, so I will need to speak with the Madam about what to offer. But, that is for another time. Now, why don’t we get you ready for our third to return? You are still ready, yes?”

As much as he doesn’t want to answer correctly, to admit that Herta was right, he nods.

“Good boy.”)